You Can't Fix Stupid: An Open Letter to Interns Everywhere

Dear Readers,

Second post, and already we have a rant afoot! Gird your loins! (That has no relevance on the topic, but I just love imagining Stanley Tucci roaring that in Devil Wears Prada.)

Ok, so I'm not saying my generation (Y? Z? One before Millennials, right?) is this "greatest generation" by any means. But I think it's pretty objectively agreed that as we progress in our society and culture, each new batch of ankle-biters are raised in more favorable circumstances and, with help from technology, everything comes much easier and faster. This creates a population of young, enfranchised, entitled, ADD yutes (as my dad, and my cousin vinny would say) that think their life is going to be a cake walk.

I say this because of my experience with interns over the past year. Honestly? WTF, guys. You're not that much younger than me, and yet it seems you emerge, bleary-eyed and hungover from college, expecting to trip into a full-time job above an assistant position. IN HOLLYWOOD.

Nuh Uh. Not how it works. Sure, you had a friendly advisor or family friend refer you to the coveted, yet elusive UTA joblist. Sure you copied a cover letter template and tried to use active voice in your resume bullet points, but it seems the (minimal) effort stopped there.

How many times do I have to show you how to use the phones, after you've read the manual as well? Remember how we have to screen calls for the boss? This means you also have to ask who's calling. Did you order the replacement Expo dry erase board cleaner like I asked? No, you ordered a gallon tub of cleaning fluid and then 3 empty windex bottles. What did you come in here to ask me? Oh, you don't remember? Then why are you still standing here? You need this week off too? Ok, sure I understand you're not getting paid, but you've taken 4 vacations in the last 2 months and I'm starting to question your commitment. No, no, I understand, Fright Night at Disney is important.

Oh, and BTDubs? You friended me on Facebook, so stop posting snarky comments about all the "bitchwork" you're forced to do all day. Guess what? You're an INTERN.

Oh, what's that? You think you should be first in line to get a job, should we be hiring? Well, seeing as how none of your work directly contributed to advancing our company and actually, at times, hindered our efficiency, no, no you're not our first candidate. The 260 resumes I just got of experienced, qualified individuals might get preferential treatment. So hey, best of luck, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. And don't think I don't know about all those office supplies you stole.

Bowtie,

Bowtie